On Chiggers, Accountability, and Ice Cream

Chiggers:

Chiggers. Have you ever…had…CHIGGERS! These little bugs that burrow under your skin, lay their eggs, and bug you with a ferocious itch. This is one of many bugs that would lead someone to ask, “God, why on earth did you create CHIGGERS?!?” Our two teenage boys have chiggers on their feet…which looks similar to pimples of all sizes. Pimples that you want to pop, and maybe some you do pop. But regardless you scratch and scratch, and then you eat and touch things…and only after you have touched and eaten things are you are reminded to wash your hands after you scratch and pop. Because who could remember to wash hands when they were a teenager!?!? Moving on...

Accountability:

A week of big highs and big lows. Now that we’ve been houseparenting for about a month (1.5 weeks respite care, 2.5 weeks with our own house kids), I know I’m becoming more comfortable with the design and philosophy of parenting that is employed at Cookson. I’m reminded of the Love and Logic quote that defines success for children as they reach adulthood, “I know this place. I’ve been preparing for it for some time now.” When working as a houseparent you have to see the long term picture. Today (Friday) I got caught up in a momentary situation and forgot the big picture. And when that occurs there is a risk of losing any progress made so far. Thankfully a reminder of the big picture from a loving spouse (thanks Rachel) helped me revise my tone and vision. I was then able to share in a discussion with a teen to work towards growth and accountability. It was my wife who held me accountable and that is exactly why we are going to be helpful to the children in our home.

I haven’t been very good at holding myself – or others – ACCOUNTABLE. When I was a professor, I don’t think I did well at holding students accountable. I rationalized that I was the same kind of student once. I often was conflicted with how to respond when my expectations were not met – do I hold them accountable to the letter of the law…or do I ease off a little…or a lot? My other internal conflict concerned the balance between accountability and developmentally appropriate expectations? Like all kids really, kids at Cookson do not arrive with cookie-cutter development. So how do I hold kids accountable while also recognizing where they are developmentally?

I’m no inspirational, motivational speaker – and sometimes I am slow to get things, but it has occurred to me through tonight’s occurrence that accountability is necessary to achieve GROWTH. It’s not the end-all of growing, though it is a critical piece. Tonight Rachel helped me in our discussion with a teen to 1) be accountable for myself, and 2) hold someone else accountable for their choices. No doubt these 2 points may be the biggest areas of growth for me.

Ice Cream:

Hey how about the good times!?! A big TRUTH – when a kid meets their goal, a good mood follows. One of our kids achieved the Green license for horsemanship – the first belt I think. Along with good moods, we enjoyed ice cream at Sonic, followed by a spontaneous game of tag at an open field at John Brown University. I’m so thankful Cookson recognizes the value of RECREATION for housefamilies. With a dinner chore this week, we rarely were home before 7pm. One thing for sure – our kids love to be outside. We throw the football, play basketball, hit the wiffle ball, and Kaleb loves to ride his bike around our cul-de-sac circle. Tonight we tried a little 3-on-3 game of kickball, but that kinda turned into a discussion of rules and disagreement on the score and safe/out of a player…remember those days? J We are always looking for fun and creative activities to do with our family, so if you know or find anything, please let us know!!!

Writing tonight is good reminder of the BIG PICTURE – that our life will be a mixture of fun, accountability, growth, and probably a lot of bugs.

What in the world are we doing?

I'll back up and share a bit about our ministry and what we have gotten ourselves into...

Our Transition - the brief version:

That Anna! Always hammin' it up!

January 7 I was informed that my position at ACU was being cut due to a trimming of the budget...not job performance. It happened to come at a time when I felt least satisfied in my job (one day we'll write about how we believe God had been preparing us for this transition). End of January we discover the job of houseparenting and were intrigued by the ministry focus, working together, and being a part of a community/work team committed to a shared faith vision. Using the website Houseparent.net , we found jobs, applied/toured/interviewed in February, and agreed to a position with Cookson Hills Christian Ministries late February. We sold our house in 6 days, donated and sold countless items, moved in with mom and dad for 2 months, and had several going-away parties! The separation from my parents, and from friends, produced mixed emotions through the months leading up to our arrival at Cookson...and we still have the mixture. However, Rachel and I have been convinced that this is the job, lifestyle, and ministry we were led to be in at this time.


What is Cookson Hills Christian Ministries?
The mission of CHCM is "Providing Christ-centnered residential care, education, and therapeutic services for at-risk children ages 5-17." As a non-denominational ministry with roots in the Christian Church and Churches of Christ, CHCM has a bible-based statement of beliefs that fit our faith heritage - you can find their statement of beliefs here HERE. CHCM's strategy for meeting the needs of children include:

Brand new school opened January 2014

1. Family-style living - kids live with houseparents and other male and female children in each home (up to 10 kids include houseparents' kids). Houseparents serve as surrogate parents.
2. Educational services - Cookson has a year-round private Christian school 1st-12th grade that is accredited. Currently serving a little over 100 children, education is provided to staff and placed children. Hey, we even have sports teams...right now girls volleyball and boys/girls basketball!
3. Therapeutic services - Cookson contracts with Christian, professional counselors who assist children individually, in groups, and even family counseling. In our opinion, an advantage of Cookson, compared to other children's homes, is that children here receive counseling during the school day - houseparents do not have to drive kids to and from counseling sessions. Additional therapeutic services include equine-assisted therapy - go horses!
4. Recreation - Yes! When looking for HP jobs, Rachel and I were hoping to find an active community with a location conducive to outdoor activities. Children have frequent access to a playground, basketball court, and other outdoor play activities. Cookson organizes recreational activities throughout the year, particularly during the 5-week summer break and during the Spring school semester. Staff lend their expertise and share their hobbies with students through activities such as horseback riding, roping, rocket-building, scrapbooking, drama, hunter safety, disc golf, and much more. Think anyone would accept my relationships course material as "recreation"...

Find more about Cookson Hills at the website http://www.cooksonhills.org . It's Grrrreeeat!

Rachel trying to whisper to a horse...

Family trail rides are in our future

What we do as houseparents (HP)?

We're brand new at this. We added our first child last Tuesday, so we haven't experienced much. Simply put – we do what parents do for up to 10 children at a time (including our own 3). Kids are expected to be respectful, learn from their mistakes, and work on their goals as set by their social worker. Soooo we work to hold our kids accountable, give them opportunities to grow, and have plenty of fun too! Cookson also provides opportunities for work through the summer work program as well as odds and ends throughout the year. Last Sunday we unloaded the walls for one of the new houses!

As parents we also:

• Hold kids accountable for their choices and behavior
• Give opportunities for the development of faith through daily devotionals
• Check on their goals progress
• Show empathy especially when kids are stressed or emotionally not well
• Work through disagreements while modeling helpful conflict management
• Help them “find pleasure in the right ways” – as my dad likes to say
• Grow a work ethic in school, home, and campus projects
• Teach/model life skills, friendship, relationships
• Establish a family identity and plan fun events
• and more...

Cookson kids unloading walls for our future homes

There are lots of s'mores in our future...

Who are the kids who come to Cookson?

For as many kids there are as many stories. You can probably think of many possible scenarios for why a child is placed here, and I’m sure Cookson children have had such experiences. One thing is for sure - something has happened or has been going on in their life which is challenging enough to have them be placed under the ministry’s care. Sometimes it is a difficult and harmful family situation, sometimes more closely related to the child’s behavioral responses to past trauma. For instance, a number of children here are from adoptive families, many with past trauma in childhood whose teen behaviors have become difficult to manage as they – the kids - try to cope with past experiences, fear, stress, difficulties with trust, developmental transitions and so on. Some children have had many different caregivers throughout their lives, perhaps in stable and loving environments or without the stability to be cared for with the opportunity to develop well. The hope for each child is that reunification with the family/caregivers can be achieved. For most kids, the plan of care includes family reunification, typically with a stay of 2 years or more. However, a handful of kids are long-term and will live at Cookson likely through their high school graduation. So, as a part of program services, families have opportunities for family counseling and family training. (Shhh…given my educational background I’ll admit I am hoping one day to work more closely with the family training services).

Being privately funded, Cookson accepts only private placements and has a rigorous screening process. While adhering to state standards for a child care facility, Cookson does not have to take kids placed by the state of Oklahoma Dept of Human Services. This matters because Cookson can create criteria for placement that fit the goals and strengths of the ministry team (houseparents, social workers, teachers, directors)…and can also deny placement when circumstances would be beyond the level of care that Cookson can provide. It is important to note that Cookson is a residential child care facility, not a lock-down heavy disciplined-focused guarded unit – a legal guardian can discharge their child at any time.

For more stories about our kids and Cookson Hills, read our latest publication of Long Letter Home HERE.

Thanks for reading! Let me know if you find any formatting or pic loading issues...Alan